self-confidence.

The Reflection Series: Installment 2

So, today is a day where I’m kinda low. It happened sometimes, there doesn’t need to be a reason necessarily or, it’s a cruel combination of many things. Today is the latter. I’m just having a lot of complicated feelings and emotions. I feel like I’m at arms length from someone I really care about, mostly because they’re afraid of hurting/losing me, by I don’t think they realize that that is exactly what they’re doing now. I feel really unfulfilled. I feel like I am not reaching my creative potential, or like I’m doing enough. I’m just feeling really blah about work and life in general. And of course there’s other, smaller things that contribute as well.

Really, I’m feeling a tad lonely today. And not that, no one is around, type of loneliness, I just feel alone in my own little world today. Andi feel like there’s no one for me to grab onto. Again, the one person I want to, is being really distant at times, and then not at others. But, that’s not the point, the point is I’m having a low swing and they happen.

Something I’m trying to start doing, is not hold my emotions so close to me. What I mean by that is, I won’t not feel how I feel, to make others feel better, or to pretend that everything is okay when it is not. I’ve learned that, that puts a huge strain on my mental health. So, I’ve learned to feel those feelings, but to also not let them completely ruin my day. It’s okay to feel down or depressed sometimes. It happens, but what you can’t let it do is derail your life. So, find an outlet and a therapist, and get to figuring out how to cope with those emotions.

Today, I honestly feel crappy. I just feel really blah and really numb to a lot. But, I know that things could be worse, and that things will get better. Just remember that your feelings and emotions are valid. They are not a bother or some sort of awful thing to have to hide. You are allowed to feel the way you feel. And never let anybody tell you differently. Love yourself, and that starts with loving your mind and spirit.

You’re valid and you’re enough.

J 💙

Lost in Oz

Hey, everyone! It’s been a little bit since the last time I posted something. Which is a shame because I really love posting here, it’s one of the highlights of my life. But, I just get so busy on a project and I just cannot find the time or energy for anything! And with that I’ve come to a crippling conclusion…I’ve been SLACKING! DUN DUN DUN  (Cue:random terrifying screams and cheesy Scooby-Doo thriller music.)

Yeah, and it gotten bad. Like, I had such a good groove going before I went to Buffalo, I went there and things were good, and I came back with a mind to keep going in the right direction and somewhere I got too swept up in my ideas of how to better my life and myself, that it just created this funnel cloud that I was trapped in. It truly felt like I was in a different world. As, I mentioned in the title it was like being lost in a strange alternate universe, like Oz. 

Oz has been in my head because of Todrick Hall’s new musical/visual album, Straight Outta Oz. There will be a whole other blog post about that. (May be my first vlog! We’ll see what happens.) Anyway, it’s my everything, right now! It’s such a beautiful work of art about his life and road to success, I’ll leave a link for you to check it out. 

But, like Todrick, I find that life can indeed seem like foreign territory. A place that’s hard to navigate, where you just feel lost and confused. It’s taken me awhile to realize I lost myself, I had let all of my insecurities and assumptions of where I should be and what I should be doing cloud my focus, and because of that, I was blown off the path. But, do to some recent reflection and prayer (another blog forthcoming), I am starting to find my way back. I began to realize I got caught up in the idea of what success should look like. And in every aspect, career, fitness, social, and even love. I was trying to measure myself based of of everyone else. And I almost missed my blessing,  I was walking around not realizing that everything I wanted, I had, have , is in me. Like Dorothy, I was shown my true potential, and I found comfort in that. 

The reason I felt the need to talk about this, is because if I can help one other person realize that they have to look to themselves to accomplish everything they want. You don’t want your blessing, or your opportunity to pass by. Work on yourself, FOR YOURSELF! Don’t work on yourself because your trying to catch up to someone else or comparing yourself to someone else, and going after what they have. You willl have your own and it’ll come in due time. The more you realize this, the easier it is to stay on course and to not get too swept up in the madness. And if you find yourself in this place, remember you have everything you need. You just have to stay focused on you and where you are headed. 

I hope this was interesting or helpful in some way! It took me a bit to formulate this post and it was just something I wanted to say. We have a show soon, hope to hear from you guys! 

Live to laugh another day!

Jalen, the Peckish artist.