personal

The Reflection Series: Installment 2

So, today is a day where I’m kinda low. It happened sometimes, there doesn’t need to be a reason necessarily or, it’s a cruel combination of many things. Today is the latter. I’m just having a lot of complicated feelings and emotions. I feel like I’m at arms length from someone I really care about, mostly because they’re afraid of hurting/losing me, by I don’t think they realize that that is exactly what they’re doing now. I feel really unfulfilled. I feel like I am not reaching my creative potential, or like I’m doing enough. I’m just feeling really blah about work and life in general. And of course there’s other, smaller things that contribute as well.

Really, I’m feeling a tad lonely today. And not that, no one is around, type of loneliness, I just feel alone in my own little world today. Andi feel like there’s no one for me to grab onto. Again, the one person I want to, is being really distant at times, and then not at others. But, that’s not the point, the point is I’m having a low swing and they happen.

Something I’m trying to start doing, is not hold my emotions so close to me. What I mean by that is, I won’t not feel how I feel, to make others feel better, or to pretend that everything is okay when it is not. I’ve learned that, that puts a huge strain on my mental health. So, I’ve learned to feel those feelings, but to also not let them completely ruin my day. It’s okay to feel down or depressed sometimes. It happens, but what you can’t let it do is derail your life. So, find an outlet and a therapist, and get to figuring out how to cope with those emotions.

Today, I honestly feel crappy. I just feel really blah and really numb to a lot. But, I know that things could be worse, and that things will get better. Just remember that your feelings and emotions are valid. They are not a bother or some sort of awful thing to have to hide. You are allowed to feel the way you feel. And never let anybody tell you differently. Love yourself, and that starts with loving your mind and spirit.

You’re valid and you’re enough.

J 💙

The Reflection Series: Day 1

So, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my blog these days. And I decided that something I wanna do is a series of reflections. Each day, I will just talk about something that is on my mind. The writing may not be perfect, but that’s not the point. I hope that you enjoy reading these posts. They may be a bit sad, they may be ponderous, they may be happy, or even angry; the possibilities are endless. This is also the first OFFICIAL post on my new and improved blog: JAYLAND!

So, I am having a day where I am missing someone very much. It’s weird, because we weren’t together super long, or even, technically, together at all. Talking, I guess is the term, or “seeing” each other I suppose. But, there was just something there. It was really nice and I just miss that. You know when you just feel really secure with someone? You just really trust them and you don’t even have to worry about it. That’s what it was I think. It was simple and easy. It never really felt like I had to try. I’m not saying that I was ready for marriage, or even a boyfriend, but like shit was real and I am a person who when I open myself up, I really open up. I guess that’s a blessing and a curse. I end up hurting more in the end, but damn if it isn’t worth it while you’re in it. Idk, this feels really different.

It’s not that I feel I was “in love”, that just feels too farfetched for the feelings that I had. But, I did do really care about this person. And I’m just missing that closeness. Missing cuddling up when I felt insecure or just felt like being close. I miss holding hands and just kind of knowing that the other person was there. I just miss all of it. Its hard, when you feel like something was kind of cut short by life’s circumstances. When you feel like even though you feel like you understand how you feel, you still have no CTRL control over how anything happens. And I understand, honestly neither of us were in a place, ya know? But, that doesn’t change the fact that I am missing someone. They know who they are, and I hope they know that I love them and care for them as a dear friend, but all the same… I miss you. And I’m not sorry for it.

Jaybo

My Extreme Case of Block

Hey there, readers!

So, I haven’t really posted here in a while, which really sucks, I really like writing on this blog. But, lately, I just haven’t been able to find the inspiration to write. I’m not sure what it is. I have so much that I want to say and that I want to talk about, but when I sit down to actually write, I lose all of my words and ideas.

It could be because I’ve been having a spiritual battle of sorts with myself. I think that I’m starting to really find my purpose in the world, and what I’m doing with this blog; but there is still some uncertainty there that I think keeps hindering me. I need to revisit the goal I want to accomplish with this page and all of my pages overall.

I hope to soon be back here. There is so much that I want to say and, by god, I’m gonna say it!

Thank you for following me and thank you for sticking with me!

Live to sing another day!

Jaybo

Happy 2017!!

Ding Dong! The witch is dead!!! 

And that witch is the year 2016! 2016 was a really tough year, a lot of crazy shit went down. But, I will say that I experienced A LOT of personal growth! So, in 2017 I wanna experience even more. I’ve adopted the phrase “New year, improved me”. Because I’m not becoming a new person, I’m just moving closer to who I am in the grand scheme! I encourage you all to go on a similar journey this year! It’s a journey of love and discovery. You’ll learn so much you didn’t know and things you already knew will be solidified! 

Thank you all for reading and following this blog in 2016, I hope you continue to follow me into 2017 more fearless, because I am definitely more fearless! 

Be looking out for some new material, and a Webseries I’m working on with my really good friend “2 for the tea!” And I’ll be expanding my own youtube channel. And my brand. Remember find your aesthetic and represent it always! 

Live to sing another day,

Jaybo (the somewhat peckish artist) 

Yes, you can be fat and queer and attractive!

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“Fat & Gay”: One Man Struggles For Acceptance In A Post-Grindr World

That’s the title of a post from NewNowNext, the biggest queer media outlet. I thought this was interesting, because I have dealt with this issue as well, especially as I have gotten older and the rose tinted glasses were lifted. Honestly, the word fat is still a bit triggering, but I’m learning to not put so much weight (Ha!) behind it. I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be negative or make me feel negatively about myself.

But. watching this video just once again reaffirmed the fact, that you don’t have to have the ‘perfect body’. Why? Because it doesn’t exist. Even people who we deem having perfect bodies find flaws everyday. Just because you have some extra meat on your bones doesn’t mean you are not attractive or that no one wants you. Unfortunately, in the day community, that is really hard to grasp, because, like Martjin in the video, we have all been attacked if we’re gay men of girth. So, what, I have moobs and a belly. I can still be confident and sexy, why? Because I freaking love myself. Listen, the one bit of advice in this video that I don’t agree with is the chasers thing. A person does not have to be a chaser to be attracted to you if you are chubby.

What happened to personality or how kind someone was. Even how well someone dresses. We don’t even look at people’s faces anymore. It is all about abs and pecs. But, that is not all there is. There’s someone (several people) out there for all of us. We just have to find the person who sees past all the shallow bull of the community and get to know you and your body. You are beautiful. We are all beautiful. I truly believe that. God made us all beautiful creatures. Just believe in yourself. Now, get out there and go ask that hot guy out! You never know what might happen if you are confident!

Hope you enjoy, check out the video above and like NewNowNext for more stuff like it and other queer stories.

Live to laugh another day!

TSWPA

Lost in Oz

Hey, everyone! It’s been a little bit since the last time I posted something. Which is a shame because I really love posting here, it’s one of the highlights of my life. But, I just get so busy on a project and I just cannot find the time or energy for anything! And with that I’ve come to a crippling conclusion…I’ve been SLACKING! DUN DUN DUN  (Cue:random terrifying screams and cheesy Scooby-Doo thriller music.)

Yeah, and it gotten bad. Like, I had such a good groove going before I went to Buffalo, I went there and things were good, and I came back with a mind to keep going in the right direction and somewhere I got too swept up in my ideas of how to better my life and myself, that it just created this funnel cloud that I was trapped in. It truly felt like I was in a different world. As, I mentioned in the title it was like being lost in a strange alternate universe, like Oz. 

Oz has been in my head because of Todrick Hall’s new musical/visual album, Straight Outta Oz. There will be a whole other blog post about that. (May be my first vlog! We’ll see what happens.) Anyway, it’s my everything, right now! It’s such a beautiful work of art about his life and road to success, I’ll leave a link for you to check it out. 

But, like Todrick, I find that life can indeed seem like foreign territory. A place that’s hard to navigate, where you just feel lost and confused. It’s taken me awhile to realize I lost myself, I had let all of my insecurities and assumptions of where I should be and what I should be doing cloud my focus, and because of that, I was blown off the path. But, do to some recent reflection and prayer (another blog forthcoming), I am starting to find my way back. I began to realize I got caught up in the idea of what success should look like. And in every aspect, career, fitness, social, and even love. I was trying to measure myself based of of everyone else. And I almost missed my blessing,  I was walking around not realizing that everything I wanted, I had, have , is in me. Like Dorothy, I was shown my true potential, and I found comfort in that. 

The reason I felt the need to talk about this, is because if I can help one other person realize that they have to look to themselves to accomplish everything they want. You don’t want your blessing, or your opportunity to pass by. Work on yourself, FOR YOURSELF! Don’t work on yourself because your trying to catch up to someone else or comparing yourself to someone else, and going after what they have. You willl have your own and it’ll come in due time. The more you realize this, the easier it is to stay on course and to not get too swept up in the madness. And if you find yourself in this place, remember you have everything you need. You just have to stay focused on you and where you are headed. 

I hope this was interesting or helpful in some way! It took me a bit to formulate this post and it was just something I wanted to say. We have a show soon, hope to hear from you guys! 

Live to laugh another day!

Jalen, the Peckish artist.