So, I’ve been meaning to post this all day, but the combination of recovering from mycoplasma (walking pneumonia) and getting caught in unintentional marathon of Top Model, is how I got here. I’m laying here in my bed typing this on my phone. Nonetheless, it’s National Coming out day and that is something to be celebrated. It should be celebrated by those of us that are out and proud and by those of us who either in the process or just not ready yet; you’ve at least come out to yourself or some friends.
A lot of people today have been sharing their “coming out” stories on Facebook and other social media sites. I don’t ever do this for a reason and it’s time to come clean. Technically, I never really came out. Now, I don’t deny who I am and if you were to ask me I’d tell you. I don’t hide it and everyone close to me and even people who are close to me know it. I’m very proud of who I am. I’m Gay! And would consider myself a part of the bear gay community, in which I want to be a stronger presence in. But, I never really truly came out…okay maybe that’s not completely true.
I discovered my attraction toward other boys in middle school. I was awkward chubby and still looked like a little baby. But, I had a huge crush in eighth grade that solidified it. If he ever reads this, he’ll be so embarrassed, I don’t think I ever told him. His name was Garrett H. He was probably the manlinest guy in eight grade. He already had a lot of body hair (I had gym with him), and a little stubble. He was husky, had medium length “skater hair”and the most piercing green eyes. We were really good friends an that was it. I mean he wasn’t the only I found attractive, but he was my first real crush.
I told my close group of friends and they were all pretty cool with it. They knew and accepted me, I took it. Then came high school. High school got a little more awkward, because by then I was in the throes of puberty, and it was really hard…not in that way. But, it was hard to not pay attention to my urges. After Garrett, I thought it was just a kind of phase or once in a lifetime thing. But, high school was different, I couldn’t deny it. I was gay. This big football player named Andrew with red hair and giant biceps proved that to me. Also, that’s where I developed my attraction for large red headed men. Luckily for me all of my friends from middle school went to high school with me and we stay very close, I also met another group of very open minded students, a lot of which were in ROTC, oddly enough. But, that’s where I met my second crush and first boyfriend, Rafael. We dated for a week. Then there was Kevin, who I really cared about and still do to this day. Then there was Dakota…I think one of the two men I think I was actually IN love with. He was so charming yet, such a douche bag. Tall, blond, and stocky. A dream. A dream I never actually won. By this point, I was pretty much fully put at school. And I was mostly unbothered. And then it came to my family.
Now, they couldn’t have been surprised. I had been performing songs by female performers all my life, I used to where my grandma’s heels and play Sailor Moon and act out Annie, which was my favorite musical for a while. My grandmother raised me, and she probably always knew. But, me coming home and having such close relationships with other guys kinda tipped the scale. She always knew, even one time, I had a friend over to stay the night, we used to spend the night at eachother’s houses all the time, she asked me if we were sleeping together. We weren’t, but I think that was her way of telling me. And that was how that happened. No fireworks, no big sweeping statements. Just that and I kinda slid out. So, I didn’t hide it when J, that’s what we’ll call him, he was the one I kinda let slip through my fingertips, but at that time he was too afraid of a relationship. Which is a shame, because we could’ve been very good together. But, I wouldn’t hide the fact that J would come over to watch a movie Nad cuddle on my couch. Even walking in on us making out a couple times. I had gay friends and I had a host of fabulous female friends. I was out, but I did explode out, I slid.
To this day it’s still not something I talk to my mother and step father about. My mom found out about Kevin, we were in a pretty serious relationship, as serious as you can be in high school. She called and confronted me on the phone. She asked me and I panicked and said she didn’t need to worry about it. But, she’s not dumb she’s a mom and although she didn’t necessarily raise me (my grandmother did as stated above) she knew. She knows. It’s my step father that worries me the most. He had a bad reaction when I started doing musical theatre and realized you had to wear make up on stage. He’s so stuck in his black masculinity, that I know he would fall into that and get offended, and worry about what everyone else thinks. I’m also afraid that it’s trickled down to my brothers. I mean it is very obvious, I always have “very close” male friends and throughout high school and college I’ve never brought a girl or anyone home really. I’m sure my sister knows and she seems cool with it. It’s not that I don’t want them to know or care, but they are also very religious ( sometimes) and I just want to keep my relationship with my siblings and even my mom somewhat intact. So, that’s why I say I slid out, everyone knows, and I’m not ashamed.
I guess I really have no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed, people come out in different ways. I’ve never really told that to anyone though. I guess because I am so open, especially now as an adult, and I have no shame in who I am or what I do, that it feels embarrassing. I have to get over that, which is why I’m sharing it here.
I know that was long, but I hope you read it and enjoy it. After all this blog is called The Aesthetic. And as I mention that’s a true outward expression. So, I’m being open and honest. I hope maybe it’ll help other in a similar situation, especially my black lgbt brothers and sitsters.
I wanna hear from you guys now! Tell me about your coming out or a story about a difficult coming out, really share with me. You can submit it to me or you can just leave a comment! Thanks for reading.
Live to laugh another day!
Jaybo, the somewhat Peckish artist.