life

The Reflection Series: Installment 2

So, today is a day where I’m kinda low. It happened sometimes, there doesn’t need to be a reason necessarily or, it’s a cruel combination of many things. Today is the latter. I’m just having a lot of complicated feelings and emotions. I feel like I’m at arms length from someone I really care about, mostly because they’re afraid of hurting/losing me, by I don’t think they realize that that is exactly what they’re doing now. I feel really unfulfilled. I feel like I am not reaching my creative potential, or like I’m doing enough. I’m just feeling really blah about work and life in general. And of course there’s other, smaller things that contribute as well.

Really, I’m feeling a tad lonely today. And not that, no one is around, type of loneliness, I just feel alone in my own little world today. Andi feel like there’s no one for me to grab onto. Again, the one person I want to, is being really distant at times, and then not at others. But, that’s not the point, the point is I’m having a low swing and they happen.

Something I’m trying to start doing, is not hold my emotions so close to me. What I mean by that is, I won’t not feel how I feel, to make others feel better, or to pretend that everything is okay when it is not. I’ve learned that, that puts a huge strain on my mental health. So, I’ve learned to feel those feelings, but to also not let them completely ruin my day. It’s okay to feel down or depressed sometimes. It happens, but what you can’t let it do is derail your life. So, find an outlet and a therapist, and get to figuring out how to cope with those emotions.

Today, I honestly feel crappy. I just feel really blah and really numb to a lot. But, I know that things could be worse, and that things will get better. Just remember that your feelings and emotions are valid. They are not a bother or some sort of awful thing to have to hide. You are allowed to feel the way you feel. And never let anybody tell you differently. Love yourself, and that starts with loving your mind and spirit.

You’re valid and you’re enough.

J 💙

The Reflection Series: Day 1

So, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my blog these days. And I decided that something I wanna do is a series of reflections. Each day, I will just talk about something that is on my mind. The writing may not be perfect, but that’s not the point. I hope that you enjoy reading these posts. They may be a bit sad, they may be ponderous, they may be happy, or even angry; the possibilities are endless. This is also the first OFFICIAL post on my new and improved blog: JAYLAND!

So, I am having a day where I am missing someone very much. It’s weird, because we weren’t together super long, or even, technically, together at all. Talking, I guess is the term, or “seeing” each other I suppose. But, there was just something there. It was really nice and I just miss that. You know when you just feel really secure with someone? You just really trust them and you don’t even have to worry about it. That’s what it was I think. It was simple and easy. It never really felt like I had to try. I’m not saying that I was ready for marriage, or even a boyfriend, but like shit was real and I am a person who when I open myself up, I really open up. I guess that’s a blessing and a curse. I end up hurting more in the end, but damn if it isn’t worth it while you’re in it. Idk, this feels really different.

It’s not that I feel I was “in love”, that just feels too farfetched for the feelings that I had. But, I did do really care about this person. And I’m just missing that closeness. Missing cuddling up when I felt insecure or just felt like being close. I miss holding hands and just kind of knowing that the other person was there. I just miss all of it. Its hard, when you feel like something was kind of cut short by life’s circumstances. When you feel like even though you feel like you understand how you feel, you still have no CTRL control over how anything happens. And I understand, honestly neither of us were in a place, ya know? But, that doesn’t change the fact that I am missing someone. They know who they are, and I hope they know that I love them and care for them as a dear friend, but all the same… I miss you. And I’m not sorry for it.

Jaybo

This blog thing…

So, I think I’ve finally sort of figured out my process and my structure to this thing that I’m attempting to do. To be honest, I’m still not fully sure what it is. But, I think that’s okay. I have an idea and I’m gonna see it through to the end. As long as I’m being true to myself, I’ll be happy with whatever it becomes! You’ll be hearing from me soon! 

Check out my Tumblr for daily blurbs, inspirational quotes, and things that inspire me that I hope may inspire you too. Also, see all the shit I geek out over. 

Live to laugh another day, 

Jaybo  

My Extreme Case of Block

Hey there, readers!

So, I haven’t really posted here in a while, which really sucks, I really like writing on this blog. But, lately, I just haven’t been able to find the inspiration to write. I’m not sure what it is. I have so much that I want to say and that I want to talk about, but when I sit down to actually write, I lose all of my words and ideas.

It could be because I’ve been having a spiritual battle of sorts with myself. I think that I’m starting to really find my purpose in the world, and what I’m doing with this blog; but there is still some uncertainty there that I think keeps hindering me. I need to revisit the goal I want to accomplish with this page and all of my pages overall.

I hope to soon be back here. There is so much that I want to say and, by god, I’m gonna say it!

Thank you for following me and thank you for sticking with me!

Live to sing another day!

Jaybo

Happy 2017!!

Ding Dong! The witch is dead!!! 

And that witch is the year 2016! 2016 was a really tough year, a lot of crazy shit went down. But, I will say that I experienced A LOT of personal growth! So, in 2017 I wanna experience even more. I’ve adopted the phrase “New year, improved me”. Because I’m not becoming a new person, I’m just moving closer to who I am in the grand scheme! I encourage you all to go on a similar journey this year! It’s a journey of love and discovery. You’ll learn so much you didn’t know and things you already knew will be solidified! 

Thank you all for reading and following this blog in 2016, I hope you continue to follow me into 2017 more fearless, because I am definitely more fearless! 

Be looking out for some new material, and a Webseries I’m working on with my really good friend “2 for the tea!” And I’ll be expanding my own youtube channel. And my brand. Remember find your aesthetic and represent it always! 

Live to sing another day,

Jaybo (the somewhat peckish artist) 

Posts From a Busy Bee

Hey there, I know that I do have a few readers. And recently I haven’t been posting anything. I was just so so busy, with working on a show, and working at a restaurant. And then after the show, I went home, and then I tried putting my life back together, but it was tough to catch up. But, I did catch up. I had a good audition as well, so finger crossed. 

As for my content, I’m really excited to say that I know have multiple platforms where you can read my work. I will be freelancing for Manhattan Digest and also the website MyTrendingStories. So, be looking at here for more info on that. After this election, there’s just so much that I feel I need to say. I’ve been reflecting and praying and meditating on it, and I think I’m ready to start speaking. I’m about to work on my you’re tube channel so be looking out for some vlpgs as well. This is a wild adventure I want to embark on in my writing . But, I must make my voice be heard. I’m not perfect and I have my flaws, but I do want to make the fight be known. I wanna use my voice for good and justice.  

So, The Aesthetic is just getting started! 

Live to laugh another day, 

Jaybo 

Happy National Coming Out Day. My story. 

So, I’ve been meaning to post this all day, but the combination of recovering from mycoplasma (walking pneumonia) and getting caught in unintentional marathon of Top Model, is how I got here. I’m laying here in my bed typing this on my phone. Nonetheless, it’s National Coming out day and that is something to be celebrated. It should be celebrated by those of us that are out and proud and by those of us who either in the process or just not ready yet; you’ve at least come out to yourself or some friends. 

A lot of people today have been sharing their “coming out” stories on Facebook and other social media sites. I don’t ever do this for a reason and it’s time to come clean. Technically, I never really came out. Now, I don’t deny who I am and if you were to ask me I’d tell you. I don’t hide it and everyone close to me and even people who are close to me know it. I’m very proud of who I am. I’m Gay! And would consider myself a part of the bear gay community, in which I want to be a stronger presence in. But, I never really truly came out…okay maybe that’s not completely true. 

I discovered my attraction toward other boys in middle school. I was awkward chubby and still looked like a little baby. But, I had a huge crush in eighth grade that solidified it. If he ever reads this, he’ll be so embarrassed, I don’t think I ever told him. His name was Garrett H. He was probably the manlinest guy in eight grade. He already had a lot of body hair (I had gym with him), and a little stubble. He was husky, had medium length “skater hair”and the most piercing green eyes. We were really good friends an that was it. I mean he wasn’t the only I found attractive, but he was my first real crush. 

I told my close group of friends and they were all pretty cool with it. They knew and accepted me, I took it. Then came high school. High school got a little more awkward, because by then I was in the throes of puberty, and it was really hard…not in that way. But, it was hard to not pay attention to my urges. After Garrett, I thought it was just a kind of phase or once in a lifetime thing. But, high school was different, I couldn’t deny it. I was gay. This big football player named Andrew with red hair and giant biceps proved that to me. Also, that’s where I developed my attraction for large red headed men. Luckily for me all of my friends from middle school went to high school with me and we stay very close, I also met another group of very open minded students, a lot of which were in ROTC, oddly enough. But, that’s where I met my second crush and first boyfriend, Rafael. We dated for a week. Then there was Kevin, who I really cared about and still do to this day. Then there was Dakota…I think one of the two men I think I was actually IN love with. He was so  charming yet, such a douche bag. Tall, blond, and stocky. A dream. A dream I never actually won. By this point, I was pretty much fully put at school. And I was mostly unbothered. And then it came to my family. 

Now, they couldn’t have been surprised. I had been performing songs by female performers all my life, I used to where my grandma’s heels and play Sailor Moon  and act out Annie, which was my favorite musical for a while. My grandmother raised me, and she probably always knew. But, me coming home and having such close relationships with other guys kinda tipped the scale. She always knew, even one time, I had a friend over to stay the night, we used to spend the night at eachother’s houses all the time, she asked me if we were sleeping together. We weren’t, but I think that was her way of telling me. And that was how that happened. No fireworks, no big sweeping statements. Just that and I kinda slid out. So, I didn’t hide it when J, that’s what we’ll call him, he was the one I kinda let slip through my fingertips, but at that time he was too afraid of a relationship. Which is a shame, because we could’ve been very good together. But, I wouldn’t hide the fact that J would come over to watch a movie Nad cuddle on my couch. Even walking in on us making out a couple times. I had gay friends and I had a host of fabulous female friends. I was out, but I did explode out, I slid. 

To this day it’s still not something I talk to my mother and step father about. My mom found out about Kevin, we were in a pretty serious relationship, as serious as you can be in high school. She called and confronted me on the phone. She asked me and I panicked and said she didn’t need to worry about it. But, she’s not dumb she’s a mom and although she didn’t necessarily raise me (my grandmother did as stated above) she knew. She knows. It’s my step father that worries me the most. He had a bad reaction when I started doing musical theatre and realized you had to wear make up on stage. He’s so stuck in his black masculinity, that I know he would fall into that and get offended, and worry about what everyone else thinks. I’m also afraid that it’s trickled down to my brothers. I mean it is very obvious, I always have “very close” male friends and throughout high school and college I’ve never brought a girl or anyone home really. I’m sure my sister knows and she seems cool with it. It’s not that I don’t want them to know or care, but they are also very religious ( sometimes) and I just want to keep my relationship with my siblings and even my mom somewhat intact. So, that’s why I say I slid out, everyone knows, and I’m not ashamed. 
I guess I really have no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed, people come out in different ways. I’ve never really told that to anyone though. I guess because I am so open, especially now as an adult, and I have no shame in who I am or what I do, that it feels embarrassing. I have to get over that, which is why I’m sharing it here. 

I know that was long, but I hope you read it and enjoy it. After all this blog is called The Aesthetic. And as I mention that’s a true outward expression. So, I’m being open and honest. I hope maybe it’ll help other in a similar situation, especially my black lgbt brothers and sitsters. 

I wanna hear from you guys now! Tell me about your coming out or a story about a difficult coming out, really share with me. You can submit it to me or you can just leave a comment! Thanks for reading. 

Live to laugh another day!

Jaybo, the somewhat Peckish artist.