The Reflection Series: Day 1

So, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my blog these days. And I decided that something I wanna do is a series of reflections. Each day, I will just talk about something that is on my mind. The writing may not be perfect, but that’s not the point. I hope that you enjoy reading these posts. They may be a bit sad, they may be ponderous, they may be happy, or even angry; the possibilities are endless. This is also the first OFFICIAL post on my new and improved blog: JAYLAND!

So, I am having a day where I am missing someone very much. It’s weird, because we weren’t together super long, or even, technically, together at all. Talking, I guess is the term, or “seeing” each other I suppose. But, there was just something there. It was really nice and I just miss that. You know when you just feel really secure with someone? You just really trust them and you don’t even have to worry about it. That’s what it was I think. It was simple and easy. It never really felt like I had to try. I’m not saying that I was ready for marriage, or even a boyfriend, but like shit was real and I am a person who when I open myself up, I really open up. I guess that’s a blessing and a curse. I end up hurting more in the end, but damn if it isn’t worth it while you’re in it. Idk, this feels really different.

It’s not that I feel I was “in love”, that just feels too farfetched for the feelings that I had. But, I did do really care about this person. And I’m just missing that closeness. Missing cuddling up when I felt insecure or just felt like being close. I miss holding hands and just kind of knowing that the other person was there. I just miss all of it. Its hard, when you feel like something was kind of cut short by life’s circumstances. When you feel like even though you feel like you understand how you feel, you still have no CTRL control over how anything happens. And I understand, honestly neither of us were in a place, ya know? But, that doesn’t change the fact that I am missing someone. They know who they are, and I hope they know that I love them and care for them as a dear friend, but all the same… I miss you. And I’m not sorry for it.


Yes, you can be fat and queer and attractive!


“Fat & Gay”: One Man Struggles For Acceptance In A Post-Grindr World

That’s the title of a post from NewNowNext, the biggest queer media outlet. I thought this was interesting, because I have dealt with this issue as well, especially as I have gotten older and the rose tinted glasses were lifted. Honestly, the word fat is still a bit triggering, but I’m learning to not put so much weight (Ha!) behind it. I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be negative or make me feel negatively about myself.

But. watching this video just once again reaffirmed the fact, that you don’t have to have the ‘perfect body’. Why? Because it doesn’t exist. Even people who we deem having perfect bodies find flaws everyday. Just because you have some extra meat on your bones doesn’t mean you are not attractive or that no one wants you. Unfortunately, in the day community, that is really hard to grasp, because, like Martjin in the video, we have all been attacked if we’re gay men of girth. So, what, I have moobs and a belly. I can still be confident and sexy, why? Because I freaking love myself. Listen, the one bit of advice in this video that I don’t agree with is the chasers thing. A person does not have to be a chaser to be attracted to you if you are chubby.

What happened to personality or how kind someone was. Even how well someone dresses. We don’t even look at people’s faces anymore. It is all about abs and pecs. But, that is not all there is. There’s someone (several people) out there for all of us. We just have to find the person who sees past all the shallow bull of the community and get to know you and your body. You are beautiful. We are all beautiful. I truly believe that. God made us all beautiful creatures. Just believe in yourself. Now, get out there and go ask that hot guy out! You never know what might happen if you are confident!

Hope you enjoy, check out the video above and like NewNowNext for more stuff like it and other queer stories.

Live to laugh another day!


Dating while black.

Hello everyone!
Hope you are all having a great Sunday!

So, this has been something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. And it’s mostly something that I think is more a problem in the south. Dating and being black is kinda hard. Now, no this not some “systemic racism exists posts”, it is just that literally when you’re a gay black male in the south it can be hard. Let me tell you why. When you’re on an app like Growlr for example, sometimes the fact that you are a black male is grounds for someone to immediately ignore you.  Now, I get it a lot of black men have approached me in very unsavory ways and I am black, but also so have guys of every ethnicity. It happens in public a lot too. I’ll be checking a guy put of flirting and of course, he’ll be more interested in my white friend. And I don’t get it. The fact that I am black shouldn’t make me unattractive. That’s just dumb. But, on the other end of this, my fellow black gays…stop approaching people like they are prostitutes or escorts. I can’t count how many times I’ve been sent a message like, “aye what’s gud, u lookin thik af, let me see dat ass.” Like not even a hello or how are you. Now granted a lot of these apps and things people use for hookups, however at least prove you’re a civil person. Also, don’t type like that. We have such a reputation for being uneducated and not as smart, so speak like you have some sense. Which could very well be a part of the problem. However, that doesn’t mean you generalise all of us. Just like I don’t generalise all Hispanic people, or Asian people. Just because we may have a skin color in common doesn’t mean we’re all the same. And we’re gay, we’re already both men, the only way to change it up, is maybe date another race, I date men of all colors and sizes. Open up your world! It would be boring if we all dated a doppelganger that looked and acted exactly like us. Our community is represented by a rainbow flag after all. So, get out there and experience the rainbow! Don’t shut out an entire race of people because of stereotypes and generalizations!

That’s a subject I’ve been wanting to talk about for awhile. For my straight male counterparts and even my female counterparts, straight and gay, do you experience this as well? Also, people who aren’t from the south, is this also a problem for you? What do you think? I wanna hear from people! Hope to hear from you all!

Live to sing another day,
The Peckish artist

My (Slightly) changing views on Grindr


Grindr. For those of you who are straight and don’t know what it is, it is a gay social networking app. Yes, a dating app. I have nothing against dating apps honestly, I’ve used then, my favorite probably being Growlr. However, Grindr has always left a bad taste in my mouth. I guess partly because I had a college boyfriend use it to cheat on me, and then he got caught up in a lot of trouble with an underage boy because of the app too. Since then, I’ve had the app used it off and on, maybe met a couple guys, but mostly nothing. Also, where I’m from in the south, sometimes gay men have a strange sense of entitlement and this weird thing about race. People on Grindr in the south are either complete sluts, douchebags, or they just ignore you be a use they feel like they are in a different league than you. Now, I am a chubby, yet fairly attractive black male, but most people on Grindr in the south just see some black guy and are like “no”. But, I’ve discovered that’s not the case everywhere. Yes, while here in Buffalo I downloaded the app again. I have no shame, I’m in a new place and I thought it be a way to meet some new people, and maybe even have a kicks in there. I thought I would seriously regret the situation…but come to find out, I didn’t.

I always felt that I had to be the one to message someone on Grindr that nobody would ever just message me put of the blue. Being here in Western NY has proven me massively wrong. I’ve had multiple guys message, and some of them were really nice and actually wanted to talk about more than just where they wanted to put they’re dick, or where they wanted me to put mine. It was quite refreshing to see that the app can be used for what it was originally created for. Now, of course there are those that still feel that they are too good for you, or like you’re beneath them, but that’s to be expected, this is the gay community (that’s another post, for another time). But, overall I think my thoughts about the app have been changed for the better. Will I continue to use it once I’ve left Buffalo, I don’t know. But, I’m just really glad that app isn’t a complete wasteland of desperate, thirsty people.

Live to sing another day,
The Peckish artist